top 10 ways to get fired

1. When your boss enters your office while you are on the phone, quickly wrap up the call with, “I'm gonna have to call you later. The J - E - W is back.”

2. Take whatever money you have in your pocket and make B&W copies of the bills on the office copy machine while laughing manically and repeating, “It’s too fucking easy…”

3. If someone tries soliciting candy for one of their kid's fund raising endeavors, just tell them the following, "No thanks, but have your kid talk to me if they want to make some "REAL money."  Then just sit there rubbing your lap over and over smiling.  

4. For your boss' birthday get him a cake that reads, "Happy Birthday Dick." Explain that it was a mix up at the bakery. Then write "Happy Birthday Dick" on his card.

TOP 10 WAY TO GET OUT OF JURY DUTY

1. when asked if you can be impartial state "of coarse, but i have to be honest i can never trust a garda"

2. Pretend to be completely skittish—terrified even—of the court, the judge, the officers and bailiff. Squirm uncomfortably in your seat . Act as if your terrified of the judge and law teams.

3. when asked if you can be impartial say “no problem but if he is guilty i think It costs a lot to house prisoners. Capital punishment for all!!”

4. Tell the judge that you really don't want to serve as from a young age you had the ability to read minds and swore to your aunt that also has the ability that you would only use your powers for good.

5. when asked a question about if you can serve on the jury reply " I have Tourette's Syndrome, you fucking asshole."

6. when asked if you can be impartial reply "yes but i can tell this asshole is guilty just by looking at him."

7.  ask a question half way through the selection process " Is it really murder if I haven't been caught?"

8. Tell the judge you have been waiting your entire life to serve on a jury and that you promise to be totally impartial as long as your aloud quote him in your john grisimist book that you intend on writing.

9. tell the judge that you have always had the ability to seek out the truth in any situation and right now i get the feeling that "this criminal is a lying bastard"

10. when ask if you can be impartial tell the judge that you don't know who is a bigger criminal the man on trial or the law teams around him.

Two excellent video's

Thanks keating for this one. A man who coined ther frase when asked how he was doing, "I'm wanking into my salty tears", a image that will haunt my dreams.

"Playing with the boys", be warned this song could well turn you gay from over listening to it.

Here is a gayties classics, do you see what i did there with eighties.

The main actor was shot in a drive by shooting in 1999, with Snoop Dog being a main suspect . The line "I'm hot and your not," was taken personnally

Top 5 moments from The Armando Iannucci Shows

1. Village Sniper
2. DIY Disaster
3. The Wombles
4. Ibiza Uncovered - The Opera
5. Paper

Top 5 tricks to play on someone

1. Sign your Friend onto a dating site but use a seedy one like gumtree, where you can place ads. Leave his number on the men looking for men and just to be safe leave him as a girl looking for a man with a nice picture of some attractive woman (make the pic realistic as more people will call him thinking the ad is real.)

2. send you friend a fake e-mail about being caught for child pornography using http://www.sharpmail.co.uk/sms.html this site allows the person to send e-mail with a fake address on them, e.g send him a message from administrator@gmail.com . Make the letter very formal and hope he calls his lawyer, who if you get lucky will want to know all the porn sites he has been looking at.

3. Get your friends address, phone number and you have all the information you need to cancel his phone, gas and electric supply. The companies only look for the address and phone number as pouf of id.

4. This one is easy, if you friend is doing laundry put some porn pictures or even better sex toys in his bag before he goes to the cleaner or even better before his mum does it for him.

5. If you see rental films around, replace them with porn films before he leaves and imagine the embarressment as your friend returns them. Replace honey in your friends shower for shampoo and do it in your own shower with an empty bottle that looks expensive and leave a note, "don't use very expensive". And when friends have a shower or room mates you At least gave them a warning

top 5 things facts people say that piss me off

1. "They say 90% of murders are committed by someone the victim knows" , wow what a fact, you mean that most murders aren't committed by homicidal manics that go around murdering random people.

2. "70% of accidents happen within 10 minutes of the victims home", Where the fuck do you think most people drive to most often.

3. "If you eat a polar bears liver you will die as it has too much vitamin A", OK so you have a whole polar bear presumable death as he isn't going to donate his liver to you and you go straight for the liver as apposed to the other 400 kg of meat around you and then just as your carving it out some asshole shouts, "don't eat the liver". Thanks for the useful fact.

4. "8% of all oil goes towards plastic's", wow who would known, what a realistic figure. If i had to guess a figure that would be it. Fact should be shocking not really realistic and obvious.